Like the Thanksgiving turkeys this year, Broncos practice squad WR-turned starting QB, Kendall Hilton, was also offered up for slaughter
A belated Happy Thanksgiving to my Zoodell’s League fam. Hope you all had a good start to the holiday season. I was busy spending time with family and friends (and taking advantage of last-second Black Friday deals) and the power rankings slipped my mind. Since we spent so much time over Thanksgiving, and in general, thinking about turkeys as food and not as birds, I figured this week’s rankings should be an informative post on the different species of turkey and which kind best represents your team:
1. Mitch: Broad Breasted White
How did we let Mitch end up with a lineup of Mahomes, Henry, Mike Evans, AJ Brown, and Stefon Diggs, among others? Surely this team was concocted in a lab, the way Broad Breasted turkeys are. These turkeys are prime for the slaughterhouse in terms of meat quantity and are unable to reproduce without artificial insemination. Mitch secures the top spot in these rankings after defeating Sina. Clinched playoff berth and clinches a first-round bye with a win and a Sina or Mike L. loss.
2. Sina: Tacchino castano d’Italia
Over the weekend, Sina revealed that he had lived in Italy, so his team is assigned the premier Italy turkey. He shouldn’t beat himself up for losing his top spot, however he needs to watch his back as I creep up on him and challenge his quest for a playoff bye. Clinched playoff berth.
3. Mike L.: Standard Bronze
The Standard Bronze turkey is an apt choice for the Zoodell’s League member with the most 3rd-place finishes. This honor could’ve been Sean had more than one of his “top-4 finishes” resulted in third place or higher. I’m thrilled to have Michael Thomas back, but am concerned the Drew Brees injury could result in few touches for the PPR/.5 PPR monster. I’d like to lock up a playoff bye as to avoid a first-round trap game. Clinched playoff berth.
4. JVB: Heritage
Heritage turkeys refer to all turkeys bred to sustain a local climate. These birds are therefore less prone to illnesses. This is an ironic choice because JVB currently has Adam Thielen and Jonathan Taylor on COVID-IR in the NFL, but not in fantasy! Take advantage of the COVID-IR spot I gave you guys! Clinches playoff berth with a win or a David and Cody loss.
5. Jeremy: Pennsylvania Wild
With four Philadelphia Eagles and three Pittsburgh Steelers on his roster, Jeremy’s team being the Pennsylvania Wild turkey is a no-brainer. Again, another case of a team not using their COVID-IR spot! Jeremy’s currently cruising in his matchup off of Thanksgiving Day heroics from Antonio Gibson and wraps up the regular season with a cupcake matchup versus Sam next week. This bodes well for his playoff chances, but not David’s, Cody’s, or Bedford’s. Clinches playoff berth with a win and a David and Cody loss.
6. Sean: Jake, Free Birds
Zoodell’s League’s rebel, Sean is paired with one of the protagonists from Free Birds, a movie about turkeys escaping their Thanksgiving Day fates. In the film, Jake is the president of the Turkey Freedom Front (TFF). Sean looks to clinch a playoff berth fueled by the return of Austin Ekeler. Clinches playoff berth with a win or a David and Cody loss.
7. David: Blue
With Jeremy out in front of Brian and being projected to lose to me, David’s got to be feeling quite blue. Will last year’s champion come from behind to force the issue to the final week of the regular season? Stay tuned. Eliminated from playoff contention with a loss and a Jeremy win.
8. Cody: Bourbon Red
After the reply chug shenanigans from a few weeks ago, it might be safe to say that Cody is Zoodell’s League’s alcoholic. For those unaware, bourbon is an alcoholic drink…and the name of a breed of turkey. So far, playoff prospects are looking bleak as he’s laying up a dud against Matt. Eliminated from playoff contention with a loss and a Jeremy win.
9. Mike B.: Royal Palm
One of the more independent breeds of turkey, Royal Palms are quite good at foraging and aren’t typically housed for their meat. Mike did well to rebound from a winless season and enter the playoff discussion, but looks like he couldn’t quite good over the hump in the end. Eliminated from playoff contention with a loss or a Jeremy win.
10. Matt: Turkey being served to Winston, “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving”
Few things are more insane than a family-friendly TV program airing blatant cannibalism on an annual basis. Every year, Zoodell’s League members sit back and watch as Matt’s inactivity either results in him cannibalizing other teams or his own. This year, he cannibalized his own. Eliminated from playoff contention.
11. Brian: Beltsville Small White
We already know by now that it’s Brian’s strategy to horde as many white players as possible and it usually works against him. The Beltsville Small White’s run almost ended in extinction in the 1970s; Brian’s run ended several weeks ago. Eliminated from playoff contention.
12. Sam: Turkie, ThanksKilling
Apparently in this movie, a dog urinates on a totem pole to release Turkie, a murderous turkey, from its grave. In the process, the dog also urinates on Turkie himself. Sitting at the bottom of the league’s totem pole, Sam’s been urinated on by every team in the league (sans Matt)…all that’s missing from completing this parallel is the dog. Eliminated from playoff contention.
Michael’s Game of the Week for Week 12:
Mike L. vs. David- this Lynch Bowl has major playoff implications. It’s a near must-win for David and I look to position myself for a playoff bye.
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