This wasn’t a very close affair. Mitch had a terrific game primarily behind the efforts of Jackson, Conner, and Adams who combined for nearly 58% of his 166.04 points. His strategy to load his team with players from high-powered offenses paid off. Sean, on the other hand, had an okay game. Tee Higgins came back down to earth after back-to-back 20+ point games and none of his players outside of Josh Allen topped 20 points. Great effort from him on the season though as he made it further than he ever has. Mitch claims his first championship in Zoodell’s/Zilver’s (basketball) Leagues.
Third-place game recap:
This was an even less-close affair as my team unleashed a fury after being denied a bid to the title game. Monstrous performances were put on by CeeDee Lamb- 232 combined yards and Etienne and Kyren Williams who combined for 5 TDs. Matt’s best performer was actually his kicker, Harrison Butker, who had 24 points. Dillon, Boyd, and Kelce combined for less than 10 and the Vikings D/ST went negative. Both times I’ve finished with the best record I’ve only reached 3rd.
End-of-Season Awards
Best early draft pick:
CeeDee Lamb, 17th overall to Mike
Honorable mentions:
Keenan Allen, 34th overall to Sean
Breece Hall, 50th overall to Zack
Alvin Kamara, 54th overall to Cody
Brandon Aiyuk, 68th overall to Matt
Best late draft pick:
Raheem Mostert, 149th overall to Matt
Honorable mentions:
Michael Pittman, 87th overall to Sam
Nico Collins, 114th overall to Brian
Adam Thielen, 143rd overall to Zack
Jerome Ford, 162nd overall to Brian (who dropped him!)
Browns D/ST, 163rd overall to Cody (who dropped them!)
Gus Edwards, 168th overall to JVB
Jordan Love, 180th overall to Mitch (who dropped him!)
Jayden Reed, 191st overall to Zack (who dropped him!)
Worst draft picks (not injury-related):
Austin Eckeler, 2nd overall to Zack
Dishonorable mentions:
Tony Pollard, 13th overall to Mitch
Garrett Wilson, 18th overall to Brian
Tee Higgins, 22nd overall to Sean
Patrick Mahomes, 24th overall to JVB
Najee Harris, 33rd overall to David
Dameon Pierce, 45th overall to Sina
Best free agent pickup:
Kyren Williams, $26 to Mike
Honorable mentions:
Zack Moss, $0 to Zack
Chuba Hubbard, $0 to Sam
Jordan Love, $0 to Mitch
CJ Stroud, $0 to Mike
Brandon Aubrey, $0 to JVB
Ravens D/ST $0 to Sina/$1 to JVB
De’Von Achane, $0 to Mike/$70 to JVB
Browns D/ST $7 to Mike (twice!)
Sam LaPorta, $19 to Sina
David Njoku, $20 to Mitch/$16 to Mike
Puka Nacua, $35 to Sean
Worst free agent pickup:
Zach Evans, $56 to Sina
Dishonorable mentions:
Craig Reynolds, $30 to Mitch
Joshua Kelley, $36 to Brian
Samaje Perine, $40 to Mitch
Emari Demercado, $47 to Mitch
Zach Charbonnet, $103 to Sam
Best trade: Brian’s Jaxon Smith-Njigba for Cody’s Elijah Moore. I don’t know what either of them were going for, but it was a pretty even trade.
2024 draft pick selection order, assuming no membership turnover or late dues:
What it’s like having your best season yet yanked away from you…but there will still be a new league champion!
Semifinal Recap:
An injury to Stroud resulted in me playing a gimpy Lawrence who I honestly contemplated replacing just before kickoff. He managed just 9.34 points before exiting the game with a different injury. DJ Moore also got banged up and he and Etienne both had their worst games of the season. My lowest score in 11 weeks couldn’t have come at a worse time. Sean’s team met projections and played well. As a combined whole, not as individual parts, as Allen, McCaffrey, Higgins, and Nacua scored nearly 80% of his team’s points. The latter two played their second-best and best games of the season at the right time. Sean reaches the final for the first time.
The lower seed also triumphed on the other side of the bracket. Things were bad from the start for Matt who found himself in the same position as Sean last week after the Saints D/ST lost him 5 points on Thursday night. Both his D/ST and K combined for -5 points which might be the worst “Other” category performance in playoff history. Only Mayfield, Mostert, and Aiyuk scored double-digits. Mitch’s team performed below projections, but they did far and away more than Matt’s. Conner was the best non-QB and there was a 27-point disparity between Mitch’s Broncos D/ST and Justin Tucker “Other” combo and Matt’s. This is the first time the #5 and #6 seed square off in the championship game.
#5 Sean (9-7) vs. #6 Mitch (9-7)
QB: Toss-up. Both Allen and Jackson have been playing well and play comparable defenses.
RB: Advantage Sean. McCaffrey is by far the best RB on both teams and Pollard and Conner face the #1 and #4 run defenses, respectively.
WR: Toss-up. On paper, Mitch’s WRs have been better this season, but Sean’s WRs went nuclear last week so I’m not sure what to expect.
TE: Advantage Mitch. Kittle’s a top TE and while Henry’s caught 3 TDs in the last two games he’s questionable to even play. Sean’s backup is Kincaid who opened the season strong, but has fallen off as of late.
Other: Advantage Mitch. The Niners D/ST have a juicy matchup versus Washington and Tucker is reliable. Sean is plugging in the Rams D/ST this week which is another suspect defense against a woeful opponent and that strategy hasn’t worked so well for him.
Prediction: My fellow power ranker will be the new champion.
Konsolation Korner:
Cody and David face off for the first draft pick slot selection in next year’s draft!
Sean after another D/ST anomaly almost cost him another playoff game
Quarterfinal Recap:
Sam losing the Week 14 duel for a playoff bye proved costly as he fell to Mitch. His team put up a respectable effort sans an atrocious 6 carry, -6 yard-performance from D’Onta Foreman. Mitch’s WRs did a bulk of the work and Devin Singletary was a spark plug. The quarterfinal win was Mitch’s fifth in a row.
Sean overcame a post-Thursday 6-point deficit to knock out JVB behind a 40.2-point showing from McCaffrey. JVB didn’t even reach 100 points as Flowers and Cooks combined for a putrid 3.2 points. Both lower seeds advanced as predicted.
#1 Mike (11-3) vs. #5 Sean (8-7)
QB: Advantage Sean. Purdy’s scored 20+ in six of his last eight games. Stroud has a concussion and is projected not to play and Lawrence also has one, but has a higher likelihood of playing.
RB: Small advantage Mike. Sean has the #1 back, but I have the #3, #5, and #14 with Aaron Jones as an appealing start as well. I can only start three however which is why a big CMC game could evaporate this advantage in an instant.
WR: Advantage Mike. Despite having the best WR corps in the league, I’m only giving myself a modest advantage due to Tyreek’s gimpy ankle. If he can’t play again, I’ll be forced to plug in a below-average option. Sean’s Higgins and Curtis Samuel doubled their average output last weekend and I’m hoping that doesn’t happen again.
TE: Toss-up. Hockenson for Sean has had a better season than my Njoku, but the latter has scored more than 20 points in his last two games.
Other: Small advantage Mike. I’ve got several viable options and D/ST. Sean’s rolling with the Commanders D/ST who haven’t been great on the season, but have a juicy matchup versus a Jets offense that went scoreless last week. McManus or a potential waiver wire add is on par with McPherson.
Prediction:Â I return to the championship game for the first time in 5 years in a close one.
#2 Matt (10-4) vs. #6 Mitch (8-7)
QB: Small advantage Mitch. Baker lit up the Packers last week and faces a porous Jaguars secondary this week. Lamar still maintains a slight edge despite playing the 49ers, though.
RB: Small advantage Matt. This advantage hinges on the status of Rhamondre Stevenson. He plays against a terrible Broncos run D and it further widens the gap. He doesn’t and a resurgent Devin Singletary wins the FLEX matchup for Mitch.
WR: Advantage Mitch. Things were clicking here last week for Mitch to the tune of 60.6 points between Adams, Rice, and Deebo Samuel. For Matt, Waddle either gets a boost or takes a hit depending on if Tyreek plays and Aiyuk and Meyers are solid.
TE: Small advantage Matt. Kelce’s still a top TE, but hasn’t had a big game since Week 7. Kittle is much less consistent, but has more big games under his belt.
Other: Small advantage Mitch. As of right now, both Matt’s Saints and Mitch’s 49ers are starting and have tough matchups. The 49ers are more sound defensively. Tucker has been more productive on the season, however another meltdown for the Raiders could mean payday for Butker and Matt.
Prediction:Â Mitch continues his winning streak and advances to the title game.
Sina falling to yours truly was the domino that led to this chain (get it?) reaction.  Mitch checked all three boxes: Sina losing, defeating Sean, and outscoring fellow 7-7s Jeremy and Sina to earn a playoff bid. Matt came so close to giving away his playoff bye only to snatch it back from Sam at the last second. Jeremy won, but couldn’t make up the total points differential. JVB and Sean simply jockeyed for playoff seeding.
On bye: #1 Mike (11-3, 136.5 ppg) and #2 Matt (10-4, 117.5 ppg)
#3 Sam (8-6, 119.2 ppg) vs. #6 Mitch (7-7, 115.2 ppg)
QB: Toss-up. Only .2 points separate the averages between Purdy and Jackson. Both are playing suspect secondaries as well.
RB: Small advantage Mitch. Pollard and Conner are better, but Hubbard and Spears have been good as of late. Sam will miss Jacobs.
WR: Toss-up. This one would go to Sam if Keenan Allen could play. Sam’s Cooper, Evans, and Pittman are more consistent, but Mitch’s Adams, Samuel, and Rice combined for 61.3 last week. Deebo is the most explosive of all of them too.
TE: Small advantage Mitch. Kittle is superior, but Trey McBride’s recent success since the Cardinals cut Ertz cannot be discounted.
Other: Advantage Mitch. The Bears D/ST has been surprisingly good as of late, but the 49ers are just better. Tucker has been outkicking Hopkins as of late.
Prediction: Mitch is getting hot at the right time and his momentum carries him into the next round.
#4 JVB (8-6, 115.7 ppg) vs. #5 Sean (7-7, 123.8 ppg)
QB: Advantage Sean. Wild to consider Allen vs. Mahomes anything more than a toss-up, but Mahomes has been struggling and has a date with a stingy Patriots’ defense in New England. Allen is the #1 fantasy QB.
RB: Slight advantage Sean. Sean not only has the #1 QB, but the #1 RB as well. Warren is startable. White and Achane are both very good and it’s likely JVB will start Edwards as well with Pacheco likely out.
WR: Toss-up. JVB has the better WRs, but Jefferson and Olave carry questionable tags. Not only that, but Brandin Cooks, who could be plugged in for them, is also questionable. Higgins and Hopkins were having disappointing seasons for Sean, but the latter has done much better with Levis throwing him the pigskin. Nacua has been consistent despite the return of Kupp.
TE: Big advantage Sean. Conklin could be the worst TE starting for a fantasy team. Hockenson is much better.
Other: Advantage JVB (albeit via hindsight bias). Both JVB and Sean are trotting out meh defenses simply because they’re playing inept opponents. Bet Sean didn’t bank on the Raiders exploding for 63 points on his Chargers D/ST. JVB’s Falcons can’t have a worse game than that…right? JVB has the #1 fantasy kicker who slightly outpaces McPherson.
Prediction: Hard to pick this one with the Thursday game results finalized, but still rocking with Sean due to the potential for a crisis at JVB’s WR position come Sunday.
Konsolation Korner:
Reminder that the consolation bracket does matter as it determines the order of who gets first selection of where they’d like to draft next season!
Hello all, as your commissioner I would like to apologize for the heinous atrocities committed upon our dear power rankings these last two weeks. Your eyes needn’t gaze upon such putrid content (or lack thereof). I didn’t even get to paint the playoff picture! Of all the travesties that have taken place in Zoodell’s League, this one’s got to be up there. All teams will be ranked with an egregious league act:
1. Mike:Â Brian adding a protected COVID drop
It was a weird 2020 season with the COVID pandemic raging. In an effort to alleviate its fantasy impact, I instituted a rule that each team was allowed a weekly COVID transaction where they could replace a player out with COVID with a substitute. The dropped player would be deemed untouchable and was allowed to be added back. After making this very clear, Brian decided to add Corey Davis (thus starting his Corey Davis obsession?). While I had a good draft, I’ve had some stellar free agent pickups that’ve fueled my playoff bye. Expect to see CJ Stroud and Kyren Williams on the best free agent acquisition list in the end-of-season recap.
Clinched playoff berth and first-round bye.
2. Sam: Medical disease power rankings
Sam is a man of extremes. You either get the most disgusting read of all-time or none at all. Sam renamed his team to The Crushed Dream only to rattle off seven wins in his last nine games. This drama queen could even earn a first-round bye.
Clinched playoff berth and clinches first-round bye with a win.
3. Sean: McMahon attempts trades with eliminated teams
While Cody wasn’t eliminated yet, he did pilfer a suitable backup QB in Russ for a random Bills WR in an attempt to supplement Josh Allen’s bye week. I can’t even be mad. Even snakebitten Sean surely gets into the playoffs with 99% odds…right?
Unofficially clinched playoff berth. Officially clinches playoff berth with a win or a Jeremy loss.
4. JVB: Â Fake Chris Mortenson tweet
Matt was baited into sitting OBJ in the league’s first championship game by a fake tweet Commissioner Zoodell crafted. Fortunately, the benching didn’t affect the outcome or this would’ve ended the league’s inaugural season with a bad taste in its mouth after being out from under a corrupt McMahon regime the previous year. JVB’s been handicapped by big injuries to Jefferson and Achane for most of the season and is now on edge for their weekly statuses. He’s peaking at the right time.
Clinches playoff berth with a win or a Mitch and Jeremy loss.
5. Sina: 2021 Semifinal tie
There was no precedent for ties prior to this infamous event. A power struggle ensued with JVB and Zack (who advanced on the other side of the bracket) bullying a passive Brian into submission. ESPN had ruled JVB the victor (for reasons unknown) so we just went with that and established a tiebreaker in the offseason. Sina sets the precedent of the playoff race. Since his points for total is low, he holds the door wide open if he loses this week. He’s had a miraculous turnaround winning five straight capped off by a 183.48 drubbing of Brian.
Clinches playoff berth with a win or a Mitch and Jeremy loss.
6. Matt: How to add a player YouTube tutorial
After a season (or two?) of not making any transactions, Matt was finally cornered when he didn’t have a backup for a bye week. Commissioner Zoodell made a 10+ minute-long how-to YouTube video to play up Matt’s fateful decision. Matt has once again been cornered into making adds as his team’s getting banged up and slumping. He can still earn the playoff bye if he’s victorious in his faceoff with Sam, but he probably didn’t imagine it’d come down to this after blowing his large standings lead.
Clinched playoff berth and clinches first-round bye with a win.
7. Jeremy: “Drunk” power rankings/when the league actually got drunk on a random night in November 2020
The first “drunk” rankings were written by Commissioner Zoodell years ago and were emulated last week by Mitch in a lazy attempt at putting out rankings. I highly question whether either were drunk while writing them (though now I kind of want to write my own while actually intoxicated). The league actually did drink on a random night where people were sending reply chugs in the group message. Once solidly in the playoff mix, Jeremy’s team has been drunk behind the wheel and losers of three straight. He has the lowest odds of getting in.
Clinches playoff berth with a win, losses from JVB or Sina, and outscoring them in total points.
8. Mitch: Ex-gf power rankingsÂ
My fellow power ranker himself has been a beacon of controversy due to his off-the-rails power rankings. Sometimes they’re a hit, sometimes not. One of the more flagrant examples is when he chose to compare teams to his exes and went into graphic detail of sexual encounters with them. Truly a madman. It would truly be mad if Mitch were able to clutch his way into the playoffs with his fourth-straight win (and some help).
Clinches playoff berth with a win, losses from JVB or Sina, and outscoring them in total points.
9-12. Cody, Zack, David, Brian: Cody stalling buy-in payment for no reason
These teams probably wish they didn’t buy in.
Eliminated from playoff contention.
Mike’s Game of the Week for Week 14:
Sina vs. Mike- Sina wins and he’s in. He loses and he needs help from Sean and Zack. Sina is the team to watch this week.
Hilarious that Courtland Sutton posted this after their big MNF win. I watched the entire game and got home before 9 which is unheard of back home. Could’ve fooled me though, it’s getting pitch black by 5-something. I’m not sure where the legislation’s at with ending daylight savings, but it needs to come sooner. I was trying to think of something funny rankings-wise related to daylight savings and these old daylight savings war posters/comics were humorous and random enough so here you go:
1. Mike:
Moving on forwards to the top spot. Getting Montgomery back was huge and Kyren Williams is soon to come. CJ Stroud’s playing better than Trevor Lawrence at this point. Would be a short-lived #1 ranking if I were to fall to Matt this week though.
2. Matt:
Matt may have finally been forced to use his first transaction, but he’s still saving his waiver dollars. I pity the fool that tries to outbid his full $200 on a random free agent. Two straight losses only puts him two games out from missing the playoffs in the current race.
3. Sean:
Explosive, yet inconsistent, Sean could use the extra hour of daylight for team-building materials production. He’s getting sporadic play from his WR corps. Not on the WR front, but at least Herbert is set to return and Warren was named RB1 in Pittsburgh. A 5-5 record for this team is unfortunate.
4. Jeremy:
This team’s mobilizing riding a 5-game win streak. Jahmyr Gibbs has come alive, finally matching preseason hype, and has scored 20+ points in his last three games. Kyler Murray is back from his ACL tear and is a startable option for Jeremy.
5. Sam:
Sam truly saved his season the way we’ve been saving daylight. Sam of the Howell clan is lowkey the league leader in passing yards. His dominant WRs will need to continue to pick up the slack for his RBs as Foreman loses value upon Herbert’s activation.
6. Cody:
Once sitting pretty at 5-3 and now out of a playoff spot, it’s time for Cody to wake up. In fairness he did just come off a rough week with starters Jalen Hurts, AJ Brown, Cooper Kupp, and Jake Elliott all on bye. He’s got to claw his way back into the thick of things.
7. JVB:
JVB’s hoes are getting ready- Achane and Jefferson could both possibly play this week. Big question is will Achane be able to maintain anywhere close to his 25.3fppg average? We’re all going to regret not burying this team when we had the chance.
8. Zack:
This team is very discombobulated. There’s a revolving door at QB- now he’s rocking with Josh Dobbs which is a good choice and despite having Colts RBs Jonathan Taylor and Zack Moss it seems like they rarely both play well on a given week. Of the 4-6 and below teams, ESPN seems to like Zack’s playoff odds the best.
9. Sina:Â
It’s been a long ̶d̶a̶y̶ season for Sina. There is room for optimism as he’s won back-to-back games for the first time. Not so coincidentally, Noah Brown’s amassed 325 receiving yards over his past two games out of nowhere. Running into a potentially reloaded JVB squad could be a buzkill.
10. Brian:
Starting out 3-1 may have fooled some into believing this team was a contender. Investing in the Falcons offense was a recipe for disaster. Brian is fortunate that his final four games of the regular season come against teams that are all currently .500 or below.
11. David:
An ever so bleak ray of sunlight shone on David’s team when it ended its 5-game skid. Brian Robinson hasn’t ran for 100 yards in a game this season yet is one of the top fantasy RBs. Teams are absolutely loading the box against his other RBs Saquon and Najee who both run for offenses with terrible passing attacks.
12. Mitch:
My fellow power ranking writer deserves your respect for the time it takes to write these…however his fantasy team doesn’t. He and everyone else on the outside looking in are still within striking distance of the playoff picture.
Hope everyone had a Happy Halloween. This season’s been especially spooky with the bloodbath occurring in the standings. Just 3 games separate 2nd through 12th. Only Matt’s distanced himself behind his 2nd-most points for and least points against. As this is the Halloween rankings, each team’s getting a costume courtesy of Spirit and Photoshop (or AI).
1. Matt:
You’d think the refs are on Matt’s side the way his opponents barely put up a challenge. They’ve only scored over 100 points three times. Jokes aside, Matt has a formidable starting lineup. Due to a Cousins injury and poor play from the end of his bench it may force his hand into making his first transaction of the season.
2. Mike:
My team is basically the 49ers- talented at every position to disguise my Achilles’ heel at QB. Currently, Lawrence is ranked QB13 and Stroud is ranked QB15 which means theoretically every team in the league has a better quarterback than mine. This week I face off against Cody in a pivotal matchup with a depleted backfield and a bye for Lawrence and Etienne.
3. Cody:
With the autodrafted roster and just three transactions made, I’m starting to wonder if Cody’s actually a plant in this league. Plant or not, he’s riding a league-high 4-game win streak. AJ Brown is a big reason why as he’s averaging 22.5 fppg across the win streak.
4. Sean:
One of the classic league underdogs is now a force to be reckoned with. Sean’s third in scoring and has explosive players- Josh Allen, Christian McCaffrey, and DeAndre Hopkins all have 30+ point games. We’ll see how he fares this week with McCaffrey on bye.
5. Jeremy:
Who’s hopping on the Jeremy bandwagon? His boys have played well as of late and have turned an 0-3 start around into a 4-4 record. The rest of the league should be worried once his QB carousel of Fields, Mayfield, and Murray settles. The Murray stash could pay dividends.
6. Sam:
As the spoiler, Sam’s fully embraced his role of changing the outcome of the season. So much so that he’s right in the thick of playoff contention. Still searching for answers after the Chubb injury, he’s taken an interesting flier on new Buffalo Bill signee, Leonard Fournette.
7. Zack:
With Stafford ailing and Watson never a certain start, Zack turned to the Mayo Man himself, Will Levis. Thursday night in Pittsburgh’s a tough matchup though and he only put up 8.68 points. He needs his RBs to feast on below-average run defenses because his WRs have tougher draws.
8. JVB:
JVB’s got to be going as insane as Antonio Brown right now. He went from one of the top teams to treading water with Jefferson, Achane, and Waller on IR. JVB needs Mahomes and Pacheco to bounce back after combining for just 10.8 total points last week.
9. Mitch:Â
Sexy Garbage Quarterback hadn’t been getting Mitch’s Adams the ball so he got benched. Davante hasn’t had a double-digit game since Week 4. A big 49ers bye week leaves him without Deebo, Kittle, and the 49ers D/ST.
10. Brian:
Known lover of white players without the results from them, Brian is essentially late-stage Bill Belichick. Ironically enough, he currently only rosters two: Jake Ferguson and Nick Folk (who shouldn’t even count as a kicker). The Falcons continue to be a fantasy death sentence- top pick Bijan’s never carried the ball 20 times and hasn’t caught a pass in two weeks.
11. Sina:
Sina hasn’t had a winning record since 2020 and is on the hot seat. Ja’Marr Chase is finally rounding into form, but the rest of this squad’s painfully mediocre to the point where he may consider starting two TEs with Taysom Hill finding paydirt in the Saints past two games.
12. David:
As of writing this late Saturday night, David has three inactives in his starting lineup. Does he have any idea what’s going on or does he even care?
Well, it’s time for another unhinged list. Because of my unhealthy relationship with the 49ers, I had to watch the team I love lose on national television to the most weekend dad of weekend dads.
Part of me wanted to just rank you all based on the last 12 years of the 49ers. And trust me, it’s in my back pocket. I have a lot to say about the Jim Tomsula era and how frustrating it is to watch a man continue to get the label of “offensive genius” but apparently hates the idea of having an elite quarterback lead his offense.
However, it’s another important time to be talking about your dad. Again, your dad specifically. Last season I did possibly the most bizarre list submission of how different quarterbacks fucked your dad. And, yes, your dad specifically. Did it go over well? I don’t know. Who’s to say? I put too much time and effort into coming up with that God-tier shitpost.
But either way, it might be time to revisit your dad.
Have you ever wondered how much your dad could kick ass? It can come up time to time. I mean it was basically like a whole ass episode in Dexter’s Lab. But could your dad beat up some of the greatest athletes at the quarterback position?
Now this does take into account what I feel are the quarterback’s actual abilities of fighting. Not to mention how absolutely yolked they are, possible pent up anger being put into combat and if they seem like they could even get a little scrappy.
Your dad basically has the average dad strength. Which is basically Hank Hill but without the Texas-tough behavior but likely more cheeked up. It’s not saying a lot, but it’s pretty much the baseline.
Anyways, here’s your team ranked by how much your dad could beat up a selected quarterback. Again, YOUR DAD.
1. Matt – Jalen Hurts
Jalen Hurts actually does his workouts with the linebackers and is record of squatting over 600 pounds. Now, does have big, bumpy muscles equate to being able to fight? No. But it does help when fighting against someone of average strength like your dad. There aren’t too many other big old swole bois at QB. However, Jalen is definitely the strongest out of all of them and likely stands alone on the S-tier of strongest quarterbacks. This guy literally has a whole play design where he surges for short-yardage first downs by driving his legs past defensive linemen. It’s not even fair at this point. Your dad is done.
Matt stands alone at the top. It’s not even fair right now with his team being as good as it is and being the favorite to go far in the playoffs. He stands to continue this momentum with likely another strong outing from his top fantasy performers. And with many of them still healthy and continuing to add more touchdowns each week, Matt should clinch a playoff berth in record time.
2. Michael – Gardner Minshew
The last entrant is a big man who I think could win without the knowledge of combat training. Gardner on the other hand just has the je ne sais quoi necessary to beat up your dad.
Just look at this man and tell he that he not only fucks but he knows how to fight as well. Minshew has the clear rugged-edge look that defines an 80’s action hero. He looks like he could down a whole keg of beer before clearing a whole room of miscellaneous vandals while saying a bunch of random quips.
He not only could beat up your dad. But your dad would probably watch it over again because Minshew looked so flawless doing it.
Can I prove that Gardner can fight? No. But do I think in my heart of hearts that he can? Absolutely.
Michael is probably the closest thing to usurping Matt at the top. Lynch has a bevy of top-tier talent across the board and has plenty of solid talent stashed away on the bench. The stock for Michael is only rising and it’s going to keep going that way into this next week.
3. Cody – Patrick Mahomes
Patrick Mahomes puts up the veil of always being perfect. However, under it is a man fuming over off-the-field bullshit that is too obvious to see.
Wife acting like a spectacle every single week because she can’t help but scream and be a supportive spouse in the most annoying of ways. Like we get it. You have your meal ticket forever and have enough history that he won’t ever really think about leaving you for someone else. Then there’s his brother Jackson who landed in legal trouble because he’s a terrible human being. And no, he didn’t have to appear in court because of cringe Tik Toks when he should be using his 6’6″ frame to stand in the corner and shoot threes in the NBA. But rather because he wasn’t told as a child that forcibly kissing a woman when they say no and look uncomfortable is not a good thing.
Plus you can throw in another slew of issues Mahomes might have with his team. I have no idea what’s going on in that man’s head. All I know is he’s bound to use his anger in pure violence as opposed to padding his Hall of Fame career. And your dad — again your dad — will be the recipient of it.
You can never halt the behaviors of a man who is just fed up. And despite your dad having his own issues at home, they pale in comparison to Patrick Mahomes and the fact that his daughter’s name is Sterling of all things. It just gets worse the more I dive in.
Cody is back up in the standings because the amount of weapons and strong players he has is too much to believe. Especially when it’s from — and I can’t fucking stress this anymore — the fucking autodraft. How could we allow him to get Jalen Hurts and A.J. Brown while also having Kamara and Kupp stashed away while they serve suspensions? Just why?
4. Sean – Aaron Rodgers
Now, we’re getting into the list of IF your dad even wants to fight these quarterbacks. Your dad probably shares a lot of the controversial opinions Rodgers might have. You know the ones. Still holding a resentment for Dr. Fauci despite the fact that he’s RETIRED. Being a big fan of the Rogan podcast and still finding McAfee enjoyable despite the fact that we’ve all grown up and don’t drink Natty Lights at college parties anymore. Being so anti-vax that they talk about “doing their own research” when the research is readily available with years of peer-reviewed logs and debunking many of the myths associated with them.
You know, just normal chill guy behavior from the guy who openly talks about doing hallucinogens nearly at the age of 40.
Do I think your dad has a chance of beating up your dad’s weird friend. It’s possible even though Rodgers is more athletic at his age. But do I think your dad would want to fight him? It’s unlikely.
Sean’s team is sitting very impressively near the top of the standings. That’s what the one-two punch of CMC and Josh Allen will do for you. However, the rest of the team does have its concerns moving into the middle part of the season. But we will see if they continue Sean’s winning ways.
5. JVB – Matt Stafford
Matt Stafford is a Florida man who went to school at UGA. He most likely has some semblance of fighting. But would your dad even want to fight him?
Stafford is too much of a pure bro to actually resolve to fighting immediately with your dad’s squabbles. He’d be more willing to pound a few brewski beers and/or lift some weights instead of resulting in any fisticuff shenanigans.
I feel if the moment presented itself, he could definitely fight. I mean his wife is more so the person who will do most of the fighting instead. Usually those who marry the fighter in the relationship are the sobering yin to one’s yang.
I would have to give Stafford the edge over your dad in terms of fighting. But we’re in the part of the list when it starts getting a lot closer.
JVB’s team is just getting worked by the injury bug that’s biting everyone in the league. Plus, Chris Olave had to be a real silly goose and do some reckless driving. And even when he tried pulling the “I play for the Saints” card in Louisiana the officer wasn’t having any of that shit.
But Van Buren’s team is still stacked and capable of coming away with strong wins. Having some big name players like Mahomes and Pacheco will do that for you. Plus Justin Jefferson will come back soon.
6. Sam – Jimmy Garoppolo
Can your dad defeat big sexy Jimmy Garoppolo? Personally, I believe Garoppolo’s handsome looks can deflect any attempted punch coming towards his face. But that’s just me.
The most I can say about Garoppolo and any potential fighting ability he may have is the fact that he’s one of three boys in a large Italian family raised in Chicago. It’s bound to be a toss up for Jimmy G given that information.
The only downside I could find is that Garoppolo is too injury-prone to actually to put up a competent fight. He could very easily put some random submissions and get in a few clean punches and kicks. But then he would probably break his coccyx or something like that because he slipped and fell on his butt and have to be stretchered out.
It’s a toss up between your dad and Jimmy G. And there’s nothing wrong with that for your dad.
Sam’s team is on a three-game win streak. It’s kind of wild given his slow start to the season. But he’s starting to show some glimpses of life once again. Unfortunately for him, his starting quarterback is out this week and some of his higher picks aren’t panning out the way they should. Not to mention he’s still doing his “Oh, doing a bunch of dumb adds and drops every week will actually change this team.”
7. Jeremy – Kirk Cousins
The most dad of all the quarterbacks. A walking dad joke if I’ve ever seen one. This man knows he’s an absolute dork in the most loving way possible.
He is essentially the baseline for average dad strength and overall behavior. It would appear your dad met his match with Kirk Cousins. But much like Cousins’ career in primetime before Jordan Addison, Cousins won’t be able to get the dub that easily.
A true silly little goose, but your dad can take on Cousins and still come out on top in a majority of attempts. I’m not even sure if Cousins knows how to ball his hand into a fist properly.
It would be an embarrassing fight to watch for both the Vikings QB and your dad. But it would be something you could be very likely proud of seeing your dad winning most times than not.
Jeremy is surging his way back up the standings. It’s thanks to what can be considered the best running back tandem in the league. Gibbs, Swift and Henry all on the same team. Just strong work all around and something that will continue to matter with the season getting closer to the playoffs.
8. Mitchell – Baker Mayfield
You know your dad is sick of Baker’s braggadocios behavior. He could see that one video of Baker dancing and get enough rage in his system to destroy Mayfield.
Now, Mayfield likely has a fire in him that would make the fight a little more difficult for your dad. I mean he is a Heisman-winning quarterback after being a walk-on and willing his way to the number one pick and helping the Browns get their first playoff win in forever. This is something that doesn’t take a lack of heart or trying. Plus, he still has some showing of good play despite now being given the label of journeyman as he’s on his fourth team since being drafted in 2018.
But if there’s one thing your dad can’t stand, it’s Baker. He’s a few terrible rap lyrics away from being Jamie Kennedy in Malibu’s Most Wanted. Your dad is winning this battle eight time out of ten with the same sort of results of the tuna versus the lion scenario in The Other Guys.
At this point, my team is being held together with tape and hope that nothing else bad happens. James Conner is still on IR and Deebo is still out. There are notable underperformances and I refuse to allow my team to continue looking anymore garbage.
9. Zack – Mac Jones
Does your dad hold the same sort of resentment for Mac Jones as he does Baker? Oh you bet your sweet bippy he does.
A true punk of all punks. He looks a few waistline inches of being related to Alex Murdaugh with more of the family lawyers and increased police protection. He looks like a frat on probation became sentient. He looks like a foot fetish.
Your dad would make sure to beat Mac Jones up. He wouldn’t just do it because he knows he can do it, but because it’s the right thing to do.
Zack’s team is finding momentum again with his strong RB tandem. But the rest of his team is very questionable outside of a career resurgence from Adam Thielen. Let’s see if he can get lucky this week and get to .500.
10. Brian – Kyler Murray
It’s not so much of a question for your dad as it is a question for Kyler Murray of whether or not he could win in a fight. I could make plenty of jokes about Kyler and his height and the idea that he probably looks like Scrappy-Doo when he tries to post up. But instead, it’s a plethora of other questions.
Does he even know how to fight? Does he care to fight? What’s his actual motivation to do anything?
Kyler can’t even be seen as the quarterback of the future for a team that not only drafted him first overall but also gave him a massive contract extension. There are questions of his willingness to even do his job of watching film or even have his focus away from Call of Duty. Like what’s going on here?
Your dad wins in under five minutes.
Well the Brian train kind of came to a screeching halt recently. Brian is on a three-game losing streak. Including three straight weeks of not even posting 100 points. Good thing Bijan Robinson is actually expected to play this week as opposed to what happened last week. Hopefully Brian can get back on track.
11. Sina – Russell Wilson
Earlier, I pondered if Kirk Cousins is even capable of balling his hand into a fist correctly. Now, I’m not sure if Russell Wilson has it in his muscle memory to make a fist.
There’s so much about Russell Wilson that would give your dad enough motivation to wipe the floor with him. Russ could easily give your dad like five good reasons just in the first three minutes prior to the fight beginning.
Sina has had a rough season this year. He has posted under the 100-point mark five times this season. It’s unfortunate too as his team isn’t necessarily bad either. Like there’s plenty to build off of. It’s just been underwhelming to say the least.
12. David – Zach Wilson
You know, I don’t hate Zach Wilson at all. In fact, I’m actually rooting for him this year after Rodgers went down and now there’s just a whole lot of doubters who are just outright calling him trash.
However, this list is about if your dad can beat a quarterback in a fight. And as for Wilson, it’s a 105 percent guarantee. With a five percent margin of error.
Wilson is a Mormon so that already gives your dad the advantage given how it’s not in their nature to have any sort of aggression. Judging from his family, his parents had him living a very easy life as well.
It’s essentially the hypothetical fight between Remy from Ratatouille and Stuart Little. Stuart would get crushed because he has never had to fight for anything and has dealt with hardly any adversity throughout his life. Remy has had to claw and fight for everything in his path.
Your dad is standing over Wilson the same way Muhammad Ali stood over Sonny Liston after a knockout in one minute and 42 seconds.
David is having a rough season to say the least. He is actually the only team this week that isn’t projected to post 100 points. There needs to be some changes happening for this team if he wants to make it to the playoffs.
Zoodell's Football League 