Bedford flexing on the haters and bringing his team back from the brink of elimination and into the playoff hunt
Last Saturday, the GroupMe dissolved into a reply chug-fest among the league’s alcoholics due to pent up emotions from the work week and the election. After almost another week, the election results still aren’t 100% finalized and there appears to be no end in sight as Trump contends it was rigged and officials look into the matter. On the topic of elections, this week we’ll investigate which controversial election your team is:
1. Sina: 1934 Italian General Election
The team’s seemed the only choice for the top spot after sitting atop the power ranking throne for the past five weeks. In the 1934 Italian general election, the National Fascist Party was the only legal party so naturally their candidate, Benito Mussolini, won. At the helm, Kyler Murray has been electric and it’s no wonder why Ryan Clark said he’d rather take him over Lamar Jackson. Juju’s finally showed some consistency by stringing together 3-straight 10+ point weeks. Not to overreact too early, but Sina’s showing some signs of vulnerability at RB with Devin Singletary and Ronald Jones yielding touches to Zack Moss and Leonard Fournette, respectively. Clinches playoff berth with a win.
2. Mitch: 2016 United States Presidential Election
Perhaps the saltiest election of all-time (so far…with the way this one’s been unfolding), Hillary Clinton still takes shots at Trump for taking what everyone thought would be her seat in the Oval Office out from under her nose. A presidential term was supposed to serve as the crowning jewel to her illustrious political career. Ever since word got out about Mitch’s points against, Mitch has been noticeably peeved whenever it’s mentioned. What detractors can’t throw shade on is that this team just keeps on chugging. Mitch is tied for the best record in the league. Clinches playoff berth with a win.
3. JVB: 2003 Rwandan Presidential Election
While all the other sub-7-win playoff contenders have gone through highs and lows over the course of the season due to injuries and poor play, JVB’s team has remained a unified and strong unit. Just before the Rwandan presidential election in 2003, the main political party, the Rwandan Patriotic Front, successfully had its rival party, the Democratic Republican Movement, disbanded on grounds that it promoted divisionism within Rwanda. Contrast to one of the most unstable countries in the world aside, its ceiling may have been raised further- Dalvin Cook’s accumulated an unreal 478 all-purpose yards and six TDs over the last two weeks.
4. Mike L.: 2006 Mexican General Election
Felipe Calderón came into power under dubious terms, mainly off of the power of the former president, but won over the people when he declared war on the drug cartels shortly thereafter. I, too, came into power mainly off a rec from former Commissioner Zoodell and hope that some of the changes I’ve implemented make for a better experience and that I can win the hearts of the people the way Calderón did. Also, real Zoodell’s League OGs remember the anti-drug power rankings I made after Zach’s drunk rankings. Michael Thomas back on the field is a sight for my sore eyes and I would imagine his presence in my lineup will likely ensure a playoff berth.
5. Sean: 2004 Philippine General Election
Sean sent me an interesting text right after Sunday games started:
COLLUSION! No…but really, who was going to add Kittle who’s set to miss the rest of the fantasy season? So I let it slide. If you want real collusion via phone, look no further than the Philippine general election in 2004! Here, presidential candidate Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and a Commission on Elections official, Virgilio Garcillano, ensured that she would win the election that year. Their plot was discovered when wiretapped phone conversations were leaked discussing the matter. A reserve/COVID-19 list placement of Ben Roethlisberger could mean Sean is forced to deal with the inevitable missed game from the aging QB.
6. Jeremy: 2000 United States Presidential Election
In one of the closest US presidential elections ever, George W. Bush narrowly defeated inventor of the internet, Al Gore. He lost the popular vote, but won the electoral vote after a recount of Florida showed he’d won by 537 votes. Jeremy’s team had the narrowest win of last week by just 3.64 points. He beat Cody in an important game with playoff implications. These underperformers would be the last team in if the season ended today.
7. Mike B.: 1946 Bulgarian Republic Referendum
A Soviet-occupied Bulgaria held a referendum to vote on the method of government: a traditional monarchy or a new republic. Naturally, the communists pressured the people into voting for a republic and were successful at turning the country into something in their favor. Mike’s also turned things around after an 0-5 start and is a win over JVB this week away from making it to .500. It’s not by chance either. Mike’s made some great (albeit expensive) adds the past several weeks and just outbid me for Austin Hooper on Wednesday!
8. David: 1927 Liberian General Election
Considered “the most rigged ever” by Francis Johnson-Morris of the Liberian National Elections Commission, Charles D.B. King “earned” ~243,000 votes out of a possible 15,000 estimated registered voters…9,000 of whom voted for Thomas J. Faulkner. David’s feeling like the deck’s stacked against him like Faulkner after all the injuries and a league-high 1,143 points against. A matchup against Brian is just what the doctor ordered along with a clean-er bill of health for this slumping team.
9. Cody: 2016 Hong Kong Legislative Election
Just when it appeared that people would have more representation from pro-Hong Kong independence representatives in government, the Chinese disqualified a few candidates simply because they were sympathetic to the cause. Cody’s able to relate in being so close, yet so far away to being one of the six teams in the current playoff picture. Back-to-back losses certainly don’t help his cause.
10. Sam: 1792 New York Gubernatorial Election
Democratic-Republican George Clinton and Federalist John Jay were the two candidates in the New York gubernatorial race of 1792. Jay amassed more votes, however, majority pro-Jay ballots from three counties were disqualified for various reasons. One such reason was because Ostego County was late in replacing their former officeholder after his term expired, thus all the ballots handled by him were deemed unofficial. Though Sam now has McCaffrey back, it looks like it’s a case of too little, too late. Eliminated from playoff contention with a loss or a win by JVB or Jeremy.
11. Matt: 2011 Canadian Federal Election
Prior to the first championship game in Zoodell’s League history, Commissioner Zoodell jokingly tricked Matt with a fake Tweet claiming Odell Beckham Jr. had been suspended for the final fantasy game of the season (this was back when he was beefing with Josh Norman). Matt benched him and Zoodell won, though starting Odell wouldn’t have mattered. A similar deceptive tactic was employed by a Canadian staffer before their federal election who robocalled would-be voters of the opposite party “informing” them that their polling locations had been changed.
12. Brian: “The Ultimate Silly Song Countdown”, Veggie Tales
That’s right, Veggie Tales was doing voter fraud before it was cool. In this episode, fans were called on to vote for their top-10 favorite Silly Songs. When a biased Pa sees that “The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything”, the only song he had a featured role in, placed second, he goes into the closet to retrieve a bag of “official votes.” He feeds these votes into “The Ultimate Silly Song Countdown” (a vote-counting machine), but is confronted by Larry and Mr. Lunt. Once Pa admits that the votes aren’t legitimate, Larry and Mr. Lunt convince Pa that the #2 spot isn’t bad and he finally agrees. The #1 Silly Song ends up being The Hairbrush Song. Yes, the inclusion of this entry is silly, but so is Brian trying to one-up Sam’s historic league-low 43.22-point week from last week with a 47.34-point week of his own…with a (slightly) better shot at the playoffs on the line, no less. Truly disgraceful. Eliminated from playoff contention with a loss and a win by JVB or Jeremy.
Michael’s Game of the Week for Week 10:
Mike B. vs. JVB- Bedford guns for a 5th-straight win to reach .500 as JVB tries to avoid falling to .500.
Zoodell's Football League 